Heartbreak

My husband is in hospital. We don't know what's wrong yet and while I waited this morning to be let in to see him, I quickly typed this. It's not a poem or a story. It's just words. It made me feel better. I haven't edited it. It just came out and if there are errors, I apologise. It just doesn't seem to matter.

Heartbreak.

How do I sit beside my husband and watch him suffer? How do I take the pain away?

I watch his face screw up in agony and a knot of worry grows in my stomach. For an hour or so each day it seems like he’s getting better, but then it comes back and I’m devastated all over again.  What am I supposed to think when the doctors only give the worst-case scenario? Why don’t they give other suggestions to placate the doubt and anguish? It may not be true, but it may help him sleep at night.

In times like these I cant help but imagine your life without him. There aren’t words to describe what that feels like. Half of me would be taken away and I’d be left wandering, lost and lonely, for the rest of my life. I feel heartbroken and empty just thinking about it.

While he’s here I will not leave him. I am staying as close as I can. I stay in a room by myself on the 13^th floor of the hospital and I sleep on his side of the bed. Stupidly, it makes me feel closer to him when I can’t be by his side.

My best friend and husband lays in agony and I don’t know how to make him feel better. I want so badly to talk to him and tell him what I’m feeling, but I don’t want to make it worse. I feel like I haven’t taken a breath in 5 days. My heart has stopped and until I hear that he’s going to be ok, it won’t start beating again.